It was my third suicide attempt; I was kneeling in front of my altar holding a small bottle of pesticide. I said " Lord forgive me, I can't cope the pain anymore. That time I was limping, sometimes I was crawling. The pain worsened when I remembered the chain of tragedies in my life. My mother suffered mental illness when I was only six and she died when I was seven. When I was a teenager, my father and myself got ill together at the same time. Six months after, he died leaving me seriously ill. I undergone an operation in the hospital and my life was saved but after my operation, my nephew got an accident and he died in the other hospital in the same day In less than a year, another accident happened, my brother also died. About a year, after my brother's death, another sickness attacked me. After six months of limping and sometimes crawling, I lost hope. I thought no more happiness to come in my life that all my life is sufferings. I was thinking that to end my life is the end of pain and sufferings.
In my three suicide attempts, I was not able to do it because as if I saw tears fell down in the cheek at the image of Jesus Christ in my altar. and as if I could hear the Lord saying "don't do that". I would immediately put down the pesticide and asked forgiveness to the Lord then prayed. After the last attempt, I asked forgiveness and prayed then beg to God again and again that took me almost whole day. I felt tired of begging and crying that I felt asleep. In the middle of my deep sleep, someone woke me, when I opened my eyes, I saw Jesus Christ standing close to my feet. He was looking at me but I couldn't move. He then moved closer to my left hip where the pain was and touched by rubbing gently down to my foot for three times. In a second, He was gone and I was able to move as I heard the crowing of the rooster and I knew it was already dawn time. I got up and lit the lamp but couldn't see anybody except my altar where I saw the image of Jesus Christ. I then knelt down and prayed then went back to sleep. When I woke up that morning, the pain was still there but I felt lighter. I went out limping and collected some herbal medicine. Three days after, I got better and I knew I was walking with the power of the Lord our God. I thanked Him for that great miracle.
Dear sister yesterday I taught the same ,if there is no Christ then what is we living in this world but yr experience is physical pain but me spiritual so its where we help each others as Catholic. i am a palliative Medicine specialist , I am still seeking God daily. he is there .it no use taking once life after all we must Die but Fight for the Lord and DIE for him , you need any help to reduce your physical pain I will help but Christ is the Doctor and the Great healer for the physical and spiritual body.
Dear Balavendrian Anthony,
Christian greetings.I have gone through your letter and noted one sentence which is very important.You say. " I am still seeking God daily " with this statement I can guess that you still don't know God.You are a medical practitioner,hence you are adult and still yet to know God.There are millions of catholics all over the world,though they go to church and pray daily yet they in real sense do not know God personally.One has to have personal relation with God then only one can say that he knows God.Since you are seeking God,that itself is clear the you do not have personal relation with God.I can assurdly say that you are a God fearing person but desperately seeking God.I also appriciate your sincererity and honesty.There are very few people of your kind.So do one thing,commit your life to Jesus and you will find God.I did it as a catholic and I found God thirty years back.Since then I am enjoying God in real sense.He is my not only Saviour but my God,my brother,my friend and my companion.He is my everything.I cannot stay one minute without him.He guides me,leads me in my daily life.He also provides all my needs.He has filled me with his peace,joy and happiness.Everyday I commune with him.He talks with me.He keeps me going.God has blessed my family.My four daughters are also knowing God.He has blessed them too.
Whatever I am saying is according to the word of God and not my own.So do it and you will find God.Go in your room and pray when you are alone. " Lord Jesus I believe that I am a sinner.I also believe that you died for my sins.Lord Jesus forgive my sins and cleanse my heart with your precious blood.Lord Jesus thank you for forgiving my sins and also thanks for purifying my heart.Loving and kind Jesus I want to commit my life to you.Please give me the gift of the Holy Spirit which you have promised.Lord Jesus thank you for giving me your Spirit.I promise to read your word everyday and also promise to obey your teachings.Loving Jesus come into my heart and make my heart your dwelling.Thank you Father.I praise and adore you and also worship you in the mighty name of Jesus.Amen. "
If you have committed your life to Jesus,then rest be assured that Jesus has come in your heart.He will fill your heart with his peace and also joy and happiness.Do as promised.Read New Testament,start from John's gospel.Read one or two chapters each day and then meditate on the same for ten or more minutes.Keep continuety.Do this preferably in the early morning and commit each day into his hand with small prayer.You will find great change in your life within few weeks.Keep it on and let God change your life.You will be a totally different person.( II Corithians 5:17)Just believe and do it and your life will be filled with his blessings.You will have to count his blessings and you will name them one by one to others.Hallelujah.Bye.God bless you.
After all the tragedies and sufferings which I mentioned in my post above, God sent me my true love from a far away land. When I was 35 I got married to a British in which I saw him in a vision 7 years before I met him for the first time. We are blessed with two lovely daughter and now they are all teenagers. Through dreams I was able to write poems and my first poetry book "The Messages"was published in 2006 in Great Britain. My second and third book is about to be published. I know the Holy Spirit is always guiding me. I talk to him everyday, when I wake up in the morning and before I sleep at night and I thank Him for everything
