Can live-in together before marriage escape a divorce?
My beautiful doctor daughter was to get married on 2nd October this year. We selected this date and thought it was a blessed day since it was the Guardian Angles day but just a month before, her in-laws called her and said that, they as marriage counsellors, feel that their son and she should live-in together before marriage since they come across so many divorces. Ofcourse, both the bride and we, her parents were not willing to accept this sudden change of plans for postponement of the marriage and have cancelled it.
Now, My innocent daughter has lost complete faith in both, parents and son - this couple teach religion classes, conduct marriage preperation courses and they themselves had approached us with the marriage of their son with our daughter.
We have tremendous faith in our Lord and know that whatever has happened has happened for the good of our child - that her guardian angels protected her and us, but please pray that she finds someone suitable and trustworthy.
-Jasmine
Some of us are asking God "why" questions. Why am I going through this? Why won't you take it away? Why is this in my life now? Why don't I seem to be getting a breakthrough?
Each and every one of us has at some point in our lives felt hopelessness, despair, anxiety, scared and all alone. Every one of us has felt that we couldn't handle whatever our situation was at times. Every one of us has felt so far away from God that we couldn't even remember who it was we were supposed to be calling on.
Periodically, I have to remind myself to stop worrying about any situation. Sometimes I have to remember that when I turn my problems over to God and LEAVE them at the alter, not to turn right around and pick them back up. Sometimes I have to reach deep down inside of myself and remember to call on the name of Jesus. Every now and then, I have to force myself to get down on my knees and pray; even when I don't feel like it. Every now and then I have to ask God to forgive me for not trusting him in the midst of my situation.
Every now and then I have to ask God to forgive me for forgetting about him, especially when I know that he has not forgotten about me.
The Lord says, My grace is sufficient.
My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in your weakness.
QUESTION:
Should I move in with my boyfriend before we get married? It seems like a smart move, because you want to really know a person before you commit to life together. ANSWER:
Most cohabiting couples who hope to marry see their arrangement as a good test run, a way to make sure that they're compatible before tying the knot. After all, who wants to go through a divorce?
Aside from all of the spiritual factors regarding premarital sex, let's take a look at what researchers have found about living together before marriage. Two researchers summarized the findings of numerous studies by stating that "expectation of a positive relationship between cohabitation and marital stability . . . has been shattered in recent years by studies conducted in several Western countries."
What the studies discovered is this: if you don't want to get divorced, don't move in until after the wedding. Why is that? Consider the following facts about cohabitation: Most couples who live together never end up getting married, but those who do tie the knot are almost twice as likely to divorce as couples who don't live together before marriage. Overall, the divorce rate of cohabiting couples is about 80%, and non-virgin brides are 60% more likely to end up divorced than women who enter marriage as virgins. Couples who cohabited prior to marriage have greater marital conflict and poorer communication, and they made more frequent visits to marriage counselors. Women who cohabited before marriage are more than three times as likely to cheat on their husbands within marriage. The US Justice Department found that women who cohabit are sixty-two times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband. They were also more than three times as likely to be depressed as married women, and the couples were less sexually satisfied than those who waited for marriage.
So, from a standpoint of marital duration, marital peace, marital fidelity, physical safety, emotional well-being, and sexual satisfaction, cohabitation isn't exactly a recipe for happiness. Even INDIA Today reported, "Could this be true love? Test it with courtship, not cohabitation." You may assume that if the couple had lived together a bit longer, they would have ironed out the difficulties and not had these problems in marriage. The studies show the opposite: longer cohabitations are associated with a higher likelihood of divorce. Now, even if you don't think that your boyfriend would be abusive or that you would get depressed, the divorce rate speaks for itself.
Like all of us, you dream of a lasting love. If you're serious about making this relationship work, save your marriage before it starts and don't move in until after the wedding.
Reject the offer. She will find much, much loving and caring life partner and family. She was not destined to this boy and family. They would have ruined her marriage life where the parents have a say in their son's life.
Ridiculous proposal put forth by the boy and inlaws. Reject it down right. They cannot take your daughter for granted. Your will get a jewel of a person. Keep praying and I will also pray for you
its no problems if u go around with ur soul mates before marriage but to stay together before marriage i dont agree with this marriage councellors,
a.n.
Dear Jasmine, {Please put this message for all to read)
I would like to share my views on this particular email.
Though you have taken the advise given to you in a wrong sence this advise given by your daugter's in-laws was quiet sensible and good enough looking to the problems our catholic marriages are facing now-a-days.
I as a mother of my highly qualified daughter, 25 years (An M.Com & M.B.A with two other Certificate relating to stock market to her credit have to state as under:
I had put an ad in the church Magazine "The Examiner" last November and received many replies, one of which was a Dental Surgeon and a lone son. My daughter was sort of hypnotised by the doctor on the first meeting itself which was in his clinic, thereafter though there were many hurdles between me and his parents, the boy succeeded in convincing my daugter saying that very soon after marriage he would take her to Canada. And unlucky that we were, the hidden secrets were known after the marriage.
Had I atleast send my daughter at week ends to his house to be with them, today after spending 8 lakhs and above I would not be forced to bring my daughter home and now file petition for divorce.
My daughter went through a hell of torture from his parents and was made to eat in the kitchen for the two months she stayed with them. And they even chucked out the full time maid servant and made my daughter slog like a servant. But my daughter bore all this pain thinking that things would be fine as it takes time to settle in the new place.
But the biggest shock of our life was that the boy was IMPOTENT and was just wailing off the time while he was desperately waiting to migrate to Canada for which he has already paid Rs. 1 lakh to the Canadian Embassy.
The parents did not permit her to visit us and on the other hand she was working. But as a mother I could sense my daughter's pain over the conversation on the phone. And before things could worsen and before he could escape to Canada I brought them to task.
But I cannot express the tensions and the fight I have to give singlehandedly. And moreover the pains and tears I shed when I see the night everyday and my daughter sleeping besides me.
No amount of compensation can wipe out the stain from my daughter's life. Now my daughter has lost complete faith on the Catholics.
I genuinly feel this system which you have narrated in your email should be made compulsory to avoid after effects.
And listen staying in relation is common today, but that does not mean that you cross your limits. This is particularly to know the whole family and their environment.
My daughter said mum even if the parents had to be good, I would wait and also on the otherhand when she questioned her husband can they not see a good doctor for cure, he blanky refused and said he does not like sex. When she asked him than why did he do this to her, he said he like her nature and his parents were not allowing him to go to Canada without getting married.
These are our catholic families that we come accross more to shock you the boy's mother is a church Eucaristic Minister and his father is a daily church goer. Can you imagine such hypocrites.
Please pray for me as I join my hands in prayer for you and your daughter. and please acknowlege this email.
Thank for sharing your story - Now, “Praise him for the Closed Door.” We need to learn to praise God for closed doors. One reason God closes doors is because he hasn't prepared anything over there for us. Another reason may be because what's behind door number one may cause us harm. And yet still, behind door number two may be a trap that satan has prepared for us.
God directs our paths through the closing and opening of doors. When one door closes, it forces you to change your path. The closing of yet another will cause you to change your path again. Then finally, you open the door and you walk right into your blessing.
Instead of trying to beat down the door, praise him for the detour he is sending you on. Praise him for your blessings that are on the way.
But most of all, praise him because we serve an awesome God!
Prayer:
Lord, many of us are standing before a closed door. Lord, some of us have been trying to beat that door down. Father, You have already told us that You would never leave us nor forsake us. You have already told us that You would open the windows of heaven and pour us out a blessing. A blessing that would overflow with Your love, Your grace, and Your mercy. Lord, we come thanking You for closing that door. Lord, we come thanking You and praising You because we know that our blessings are on the way. We praise You this day, because You are the Lord, my God. Praise His name. Hallelujah,. We worship and exalt You this morning. Bless Your Holy Name Lord. Lord, some of us were ready to give up. But Lord, we realize that You haven't failed us yet. Praise God! Some of us have cried until we have no more tears to cry. But today my eyes are filled with tears of joy. Thank You Jesus. Father, we will Bless Your name all the day long. Hallelujah, , Praise God. Amen. Amen.
Please tell the girl not to go ahead with this marriage, she will get a better boy. How can such parents be religious and marriage preparation teachers, to suggest live in together before marriage which is against our culture and religion. This happens only in western countries where self respect and family bonding does not exist. Should reject immediately
Hi Matilda,
It pained me to read about your daughter's plight. I have come across a couple of girls who have got married to impotent men, church annulment and then remarriage to handsome and loving guys. Sure your daughter will find such a guy very soon. In fact two of the girls are children whom we knew as toddlers. We know the pain and sorrow their parents have gone through along with their children. But believe me today they are happy parents with happy children and grand children. God will surely give you this joy too very soon. I will lift your daughter in my prayers.
About my daughter, it was not the son who is in USA that was asking for a live-in relationship but it was the parents who were suggesting it one month before the wedding. However, who ever knows about it tell us good we canceled it cause probably it was a hidden message to us - our daughter would probably have had to undergo what yours went through. But the hypocricy of the parents in relation to their outward duties to church and society and their inner selves - the were hostile and wanted my daughter to change her profession, etc. along with the live-in suggestion just a month before the wedding. They were the ones who had come with the proposal a year back.
dont force yourself to these kind of traitors and hypocrates
i suggest you, not to believe these kind of people who are there only to make a big show off in the church and their true colours are never been seen by anyone, give up infact in my own personal experiences i feel that these days catholics are never to be trusted, surely you will get a good proposal, as it is said whatever happens it happens for good. Even i'am undergoing lots of pressures from our own catholic people and with them even some of the nuns are involved, it's hard to believe and trust anyone these days, I 'will keep you in my prayers always. Have faith in god . Good luck
Why are you both against Catholic? Whoever has done bad to you is not done because he / she is a catholic but because he is an human. Do you select friends or enemies on the basis of religion? I m sure friendship just happens. Now if something goes wrong, how sure are you that it wasn't your fault too. You can’t stop the birds from flying over your head, but you don’t have to let them make a nest in your hair. You must learn to take authority over wrong things and replace it with right You must learn to take authority over wrong things and replace it with right things.
And whatever may be the problems... do not go away from God! Whatever you bind on the earth will be, having been bound in Heaven.. And whatever you loose on the earth will be, having been loosed in Heaven...
This next reference is talking about wrong marriage partner and right marriage partner. (2 Corinthians 10:3) For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:(2 Corinthians 10:4) (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; )(2 Corinthians 10:5) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
So what are the right thoughts? And the wrong? Wrong thoughts are simply any thoughts that don’t agree with the will, the way, and the personality of God. When we are with the potential of growing in God. He said in (John 8:31) … If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed. And He will guide you in all things...
Success in marriage will come from what you are feeding into your spirit and what you are allowing yourself to continue to think about. (Joshua 1:8) This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
If you spend enough time meditating on the promises of God, the promises of God will overtake your thinking. (Psa 1:1-3) Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
It is time for all God’s kids to grow up. As we see that end day approaching, we can no longer put it off another day. What? You might say? It is the grounding of yourself in the Word and Spirit of God. It is also the continued washing of your mind and spirit with the promises of God. (Romans 12:2) And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Praying in the Spirit will transform you. (Jude 1:20) But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost.
You must decide to make a new commitment to take authority over your thinking. Wash your mind in the word of God daily so that you can recognize wrong thinking and replace it with right thinking. You must be thinking thoughts that will line up with the Word of God, His will, and His personality. Those thoughts continued will turn into words and then into deeds.
HI, life is precious, children are ours before marriage and after marriage they belong to some one and are weeded into another family, and we have to be on lookers, as you have said that your daughter to be intend laws are god fearing, its surprised me that these people want to have such a modern type of alliance, your daughter is your when she is with you, I stress again she belong to some one when you accept an alliance , children are wonderful precious and please remember that they are part of you, will your mum or dad will except this offer ponder. please pray hard to Jesus and mother Mary, I will pray for your family .
Dear Jasmine,I have through your letter.First and foremost i would give you a verse from the bible which goes like this."And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose."(Roman 8 : 28) So whatever has happened just take it as it is from God.God has protected you and your daughter from impeding disaster that would have distroyed your daughter's life.God has done a great thing for your family.He knows your heart and accordingly he has worked everything.So give thanks to him who deserves your and your daughter's praises.Rest leave it to God and try to be alert in future.But one thing this incident which has happened in your life and also in Mrs.Matilda D'Souza's life has brought to the fore is from Satan.The fault is with the people.I mean especially Roman Catholics.I say this because I was also one of them.Thank God ,he brought me into his marvelous light and gave me his greatest gift of salvation.In my 29 years of new life I am enjoying God's blessings.To this date I have read bible 25 times and I am perticular to apply everything written in it to my life.God has given us his precious book in which he has given all the instructions for our life.It is our fault that we don't read the bible and even if we read we seldom apply his instructions to our life except when we are in trouble.Otherwise we are care free.I will not be wrong if I say that we are living in deception.Satan has deceived us.To day we are in his hands and he is playing havoc with our life.We are taught that we are all God's children.The base is either we think that as we are born to Christian parents or because we were baptized when we were babes.Both are wrong.If we had to know the bible we would not have believed this white lie which from satan.That's why I say say that we are living in deception.What is the solution for this problem? To read the bible and strictly follow the same.Once I wrote on this sight saying that Roman Catholics do not follow the bible.One brother whose name I don't want to mention challenged me for open discussion.I humbly wrote to him on this website to read Acts chapter 2 and verse 38 and to follow it strictly.Same thing I want to rquest you,your daughter and even Mrs.Matilda to read bible and follow it.God doesn't want that anyone should perish but he wants everyone to come to repentance.Now ragarding couple living together before marriage is not from God but satan.Bible does not permit such thing.Such things are common in western countries.Homosexual marriages,gay marriages and what not. This is all from satan and western countries are paying for it.There is no morals in their life.Life has become very cheap for them.Materialistic life has no place for God.If you read bible you will know.India is a great country.The whole world is looking to India for spiritual help.See to day what is happening in America.Their economy is crumbling.There is limit for everything.God is watching.Even divorce is not permissable in the bible except for adultry.Roman Catholice Church is allowing on what basis either the authority knows and God knows.God does not allow divorce.He has made it amply clear.No compromise with his word.And if any one dares to go against his word he has to pay the penalty.Our God is strict and he wants his children to be like him.For he says."Be ye holy for I am holy.My dear sister,take my word and start reading bible from today and ask your children also to do the same.God would definately honour your desire and also your daughters.I have four daughters and all are married.We all I mean myself my wife my daughters and their husbands read bible and follow the bible.Two daughters are here in Goa and two are married to Denish boys and settled in Denmark.God has blessed us immensly and he can do the same to you.Because he is same to all his followers.Now I wonder about the couple who is teaching religion and counselling.You say that they are conducting classes.Such people should be exposed.So that they should not ruin people's lives.Ask the local priests as to what kind of religion they teach.Tell them lovingly.Few Roman Catholics may be wrong.But for that we cannot blame the entire community.I know that All terrorists are Muslims but that does not make all Muslims terrorists.My dear sister,try to forgive those people who wanted to get your daughter married to their son.Do not hold any grudge against them.God wants you'll to forgive them.Else God will not forgive you.For Jesus says."Forgive your enemy and pray for them." I hope you will take my word seriously and start reading the bible.Pray to God and also Jesus that he may guide and help you to live upto his expectations.I would be happy if Mrs. Matilda D'Souza also does the same thing.I mean reading the bible and following it.I have seen her letter also.I feel sorry for her and so for her daughter.In her daughter's case the mistake is of the boy.He did not tell his parents his defect.He tried to hide his impotency and put everybody into trouble.Nevertheless her daughter should take divorce and think of her future once again.I know it is easy to advise.But there is no other solution.while arranging marriages we don't seek God's guidance hence we tend to suffer.People are in darkness.And hence they don't know where they are going.Only Jesus can bring them into light because he is light.Read John's gospel chapter three and you will know.So I am telling everyone to read bible so that they may come into his marvelous light.Mrs.Matilda's daughter is highly qualified.God will definately help her to get a right match for her daughter.I am going to pray for her too without forgetting you.You'll will be in my daily prayer for which be assured.Our god is a great God.The problem is that people do not know him.They know him by his name.We have to have relation with him.Otherewise he is a stranger to us.Try to read bible,try to know him and then try to have relation with him.All these are inter related.Jesus says in John's gospel."I am the way,the truth and the life.Noone comes to the Father except through me."(John 14 : 6)If anybody wants to approach God,He has to come to Jesus.And Jesus will take you to his Father.That's why I say that Jesus is the answer for the world today. Hallelujah.So my dear sister Jasmine, rejoice because God has done great thing in your life.And also in your daughter's life.Tell your children to read bible and also to whomever you meet. Hallelujah. Jesus's name is above every name.he is a great God.Praise the Lord.
Dear brother in Christ. Thanks for your prayers and sincere advise. By the way you can be assured that me and my family read the Bible everyday. I feel sad that you read the Bible and yet sit in judgement over Matilda and myself. Maybe she too reads the Bible. What makes you think that we did not seek God's guidance whilst seeking the match - maybe Lord opened our eyes to show us how blindly we were believing in those you say Jesus, Jesus or those that hang around the church all day. God has his own plans for everyone "Plans for our success and not disaster, plans for a future full of hope". Let's not use the yardstick of our successes in life as the common yardstick to measure everyone's happiness. Let's focus on the Lord rather than on the satan and Praise the Lord in all circumstances. My request for prayers was simply to claim the Lord's promise - " When two or three are gathered in my name I am in their midst". Thanks once again for your prayers. Amen
Dear Jasmine, Thanks for replying. As I went through your letter I did not find a single word mentioning God or his word. So I requested you to read the bible. Let me make it clear. Request does not mean judging. Even then you seems to be hurt, please forgive me. Now regarding Mrs.Matilda is different. She says that whatever your daughter's would be in laws suggested that system should be made compulsory. If she reads bible then how come that she does not know that the bible does not allow such thing. You say that you read bible. I praise God for it. Jesus clearly says while talking about his disciples "You shall know them by their fruit. " Jesus also says to those who say Lord, Lord, "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers. "Now you have come to know them by their fruit. So give glory to God. That's why I said that God saved you and your daughter from the impeding disaster. Once again I say be away from such people. never the less In 1 Corinthians chapter 5 verse 12 says. "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?" When people go wrong, those who are in the church and we who are strong in faith have to correct them politely and lovingly. Otherwise who will correct them?. God allows correcting and also judging people in the church. So that it will help each other to correct one self.In doing so we are in a way helping people to live godly life. Here I am talking about not you but that couple which is conducting religion classes and counselling. Somebody I mean those who are strong in the word.must bring to their notice, their wrong doings,their ways. Otherwise they will ruin people's lives. So dear sister,please please forgive me for hurting you if you feel so. I don't want to take much of your time. God bless you and your family. I will continue in praying. Bye.
To Matilda and to all - to know about sexual life in Marriage!
Understand, sexual intimacy is not just a carnal act for procreation or for physical pleasure. It is the ultimate act of fusion that a husband and wife can ever possibly have. It is the glue that holds a marriage together. Sex is the act that brings in its wake an overwhelming tidal wave of positive emotion that is capable of sewing a husband and wife together as one flesh.
In your daughters situation, where the "consummation" of the marriage never occurred in the first place, is an unusual one.
And yet, you are not alone. Indeed, I have encountered similar situations several times in married couples. My response has always been this:
I do not believe that a husband and a wife should leave each other as a result of the toils that will inevitably exist within a marriage, be they a bad temper, impotence, depression, and so on. The problem itself is not reason enough to terminate the commitment of marriage. But their unwillingness to do anything about it is. If the partner dealing with the problem is not willing to take measures in order to solve this problem, then the marriage commitment itself is being breached.
Thus, in any such situation it is imperative that both partners be willing and open to change for the better. This means that your daughter and her husband should have seen a sex therapist together. Not only will this shed light upon the problem and be a first step to solving it, but it is a tangible renewal of the wedding vows--a literal example that the love and dedication your daughter and her husband have for each other will endure challenges and trials and that the love itself is worth the toil. If he was not willing to do this, then he has not committed to a marriage at all.
A marriage without physical intimacy is not natural. I do not say this to chastise or embarrass, I am merely stating a human truth. Like an anorexic who refuses to eat, a marriage without the sustenance gained through sexual and physical sharing is lacking in essential nutrients that it needs to thrive and prosper. As a result, it is severely undernourished.
If, on the other hand, the husband remains reluctant and unwilling to seek change, then leaving the marriage will not even be leaving the marriage, as the marriage will sadly have functionally terminated anyway.
Going directly for a divorce / annulment is not the answer and blame God for all this... How do you know that the next guy you marry will not be worst???
Of course, don't forget that sex is only one very important thing we find in marriage. Companionship, emotional intimacy, and romance also top the list.
Dear brother in Christ I have no hurt feelings from what you had said. I am open and speak things out loud when I feel it is not right. You can be sure that the appropriate church authorities know about the couple who are marriage counsellors. I trust in the Lord and leave the rest to Him since He alone is Mighty. You will be surprised to know none of us in our family is bitter or sad nor do we hold any grudges since by our tremendous faith in the Lord Almighty we know that we are saved. I only need prayers cause at times my daughter feels how come she could not see through the deceit of the parents and son and let them take undue advantage of her.
Some of us are asking God "why" questions. Why am I going through this? Why won't you take it away? Why is this in my life now? Why don't I seem to be getting a breakthrough?
